Summer Blues

"Holy shit dude..." exhales Jason pounding the table.  "This!  This is what I need!  Mother...fucker."

We have been on acid for three nights.  We both have vials of liquid and keep dosing each other for fun.  But we need to come down.  Life is getting strange.  I finally found the answer.  Tar.  With a McDonald's straw and some foil we are testing it out.  And damn...

"Fuckin' like gnomes and unicorns running through the city" laughs Jason.

He bought some heroin last week but it was not like this.  It not did lift the buildings up higher and higher into the sky before everything tumbled down in slow motion.  Crushed in an underwater grip, we sit at the kitchen as the breeze from the poppy fields flows through us.

"Where?" asks Jason serenely.

"Rondo.  He said call him later and he'll hook us up with the dude.  Maybe you should go so I can hang out with Mary."

"Who?" mocks Jason and then he laughs.  "Dude your girlfriend has been here for three days and you spent it high with me.  Looking for gnomes!"

I shrug.  It is weird.  I can't believe Mary is going to Europe for the rest of the summer.  We planned to go up to Eagle Lake and relax but this sorority thing came up.  I suppose I am a little upset.  She comes out here and I think we are going to the lake...but she tells me she is off to Italy.  So I hang with Jason.  Looking for gnomes.

"And unicorns" says Jason reading my mind.  "I'm gonna go see Rondo.  His band is playing the Strawberry Theater.  Yeah...THIS is what it's supposed to feel like.  Wow.  Dude, we NEED this connect."

I can barely move but nod dreamily.  Then I hear the door rattling.  Mary.  

"Light a smoke" I warn Jason.

I watch him try and light it.  He is fucked up.  Shiny, red eyes.  A stupid, happy look smeared across a poorly shaved head.  He looks like an ugly octopus.  He giggles trying to work the lighter.  He accomplishes this just as my girlfriend walks in.

"Oh...Hello Mary.  How are you doing this fine afternoon?" asks Jason in a normal voice with a normal expression.

I start cracking up as Jason giggles.

"Jesus you guys are stoners!" admonishes Mary.  "Man it stinks in here.  Like someone's burning bandaids!"  

Mary is in a great mood.  She even puts up with Jason.  Though mentally, I am barely here, she takes me out, feeds me and talks at me.  We have sex.  Life could be worse.

"Hey where's the mail key?  I need to check if my passport is here.  My dad mailed it two days ago."

"Hanging by that hallway mirror" I say.

Mary checks herself out the mirror as she retrieves the key.  Then she walks out.  San Francisco.  The Mission.  Not a bad spot, she thinks walking down the stairs to the mail box.  Her mom told her the Mission was too ethnic but who cares?  Her current big decision is whether or not to leave two days early to catch up with her friends in London...or she could spend the two days with her boyfriend and fly straight to Italy.  Too bad Jason is around.  London is definitely winning, she muses.

Mary walks down the stairs past a tiny homeless girl sitting on the edge of the steps.

"Hello" says the girl to Mary.  

She is dressed like a gypsy deadhead.  Raggedy skirt, headband and orange sweater three sizes too big.  Mary fake smiles and keeps walking.  She opens the mailbox and Voila!  Passport.  

The girl is still staring.  Crazy?  Drugs?  Oh yeah.  Mary looks at her.  Definitely a vagrant.  The girl stares at Mary with a wicked, impish smile.  Time to go back inside thinks Mary.

"Too bad he's not gonna write much about you" says the girl.  

Mary ignores this and returns upstairs.  Her boyfriend and his friend have barely moved.  That Jason is such a bad influence, thinks Mary.  I wish he would go away.

"Well I'm outta here" says Jason standing up and crushing out his cigarette.

I raise my eyebrow.  What about the smack?  I shared...would be nice to get some more.  Jason catches my look.  

"I'll let you know later.  Have fun with your uh, girlfriend dude."

"Bye Jason" drones Mary insincerely, "Oh and I might be leaving sooner than planned so if I miss you...uh yeah."

"Je m’en fous" shrugs Jason as he walks off.  

"Ok then!" says Mary looking at me.  "What does that mean?  Something rude right?"

I shrug.  

With Jason gone, Mary sits in his chair.  I still see trails off of every movement and stare as waterfall Mary pours into the chair.  Her new GAP clothes are so alien in the city.  She looks like tourist wandering around Pier 39.  Poor Mary.  She lacks style.  She looks so much better naked than she does with clothes on.

"What do you mean if you leave earlier?" I ask.

"Oh I might have to fly to London.  My mom's making me fly a crazy route to save money.  Hey!  Let's go see a movie tonight?"

Jason jogs down the stairs and looks at his watch.  He has at least 5 minutes til Muni.  All the LSD they have been doing has started messing with his brain.  Things like time or stairs are not only profoundly weird, they baffle him.  Halfway down the stairs, Jason almost screams.  The witch girl is here.  God fucking damnit, thinks Jason wishing his roommate was here to witness this LSD madness.  Only another fucker on LSD for three days could begin to understand.  The creepy witch girl that haunts the park is now sitting on their fucking stairs.  

"Hi!" says the girl in her weird mechanical doll voice.

"Why?" asks Jason.  "WHY are you here?"

"Someday I won't be here" says the girl hugging herself.  Then she points at Jason's door.  "I'll be there.  Like a lot!"

After the chill passes, Jason chases away the ghosts by braying like a donkey.  He laughs and laughs.  Then the girl starts laughing too. Jason walks down the road and still laughing, he steps onto the Muni and is spirited away.

"Yeah.  Tomorrow.  Sorry ok?" she says sincerely.

In Mary's round about way of softening the truth, she finally admits she is off to London.  Tomorrow.  She told me this after we saw the worst movie I have ever seen in my life.  Forrest Gump.  As far as I could tell, we were mocking a retard and fucking with history.  Mary loved it. We went home and she started packing.  

The phone was ringing.  Mary answered it thinking it was her ride for tomorrow.  One of the advantages of being in a sorority is you can boss around new girls to drive you to the airport.  But it was Jason.

"How ya feeling?"

"I've been better" I mutter, "Mary is leaving tomorrow to London."

"Fuck Mary" says Jason indignantly, "I mean the LSD.  It's hitting you again right?  I put enough in your water to dose a cow."

"What?  You dosed me again?"

"Yeah so what?  I'm fucked up man.  You got me right?"

I think about that.  Oh yeah.  

"Are you chewing gum?"

"Yes."

"I got you."

"Dude meet me at the park.  By the fountains.  We need to call a truce brother.  Three days dosing was crazy.  This sneaky fourth day is suicidal.  No more gnomes.  I give up.  NO more ok?  I'm meeting Rondo's connect here.  Come out and let us peace the fuck out."

"Yeah but my girlfriend is leaving tomorrow."

"And?  She's leaving dude.  What does it matter?  Actually dose her!  Do it man!"

I do not dose Mary.  

Mary insisted she had to pack and eat pizza in North Beach with her friends.  I am invited.  As she said this the room hummed and gurgled as all the clocks and windows turned to look at me and laugh in a voice like crinkling newspaper...No thanks.  I wander outside.  In my black leather jacket I have a Muni pass.  I show it to the lady and she lets me on.  That motherfucker did dose me.  I sit behind the gnomes.  They are returning from the marketplace to sell their weird wares to the bridge trolls.

Jason meets me at the Muni stop.  I am grateful.  I have a bad habit of getting lost in the park.  Chainlink fences surround madness.  Like log cabins or Japanese temples.  And the squirrels...well, they show you what evil means.  Way worse than the fucking unicorns.

"Alright dude glad you could make it.  Now be honest I can't figure out last night" says Jason as we walk into the park.  "My ramen?"

"No."

"Toothbrush?  Toothpaste?"

"No.  It was the Animal Crackers during X-Files."

"Hah!  That's when I dosed your taco!"

We wander through the shadows.  The air is growing cooler and city lights sparkle to life far across the dark, grassy fields.

"Rondo said the guy's name is Mellow.  Must be like a rasta-dude" says Jason.  "Supposedly over by the fountains...Oh for fuck's sake!"

I look and see her.  The tiny homeless chick we have been seeing everywhere.  She sits on a bench and smiles at us as if expecting.  I smile back.

"Hi guys!  I was wondering when you would show up" she says in her weird monotone voice.  

"Maybe she was waiting for you" I tease Jason as we walk up.

"I don't stick my dick in crazy" says Jason.

"Eww gross!" says the girl.  "And rude!  Bad Thief!"

"Well what the fuck?  You're always around!  I get it!  You're creepy!" yells Jason exasperated.

"Hey!" I admonish him.  No need to be mean.  "Calm down dude."

"No!  Fuck this!  Fuck you witch girl!" says Jason pointing at her.  "This creepy bitch was on our front steps!  Like she followed us!  Now she's here?  Fuck this!"

"You got a problem?" says a tall man walking down the path and putting himself between the girl and Jason.

"Doesn't concern you!" growls Jason puffing himself up.  

Too dramatic I think but inside I know things are going off in wrong directions.  The girl senses this too.  She stands up and opens her hands like Easy...  

But Jason pushes it a little too far.  He keeps walking until he is right in front of the guy.  Then he pushes-

One, two maybe three quick punches and Jason is down.  But before gravity can do its job, the man has Jason in a chokehold.  I stare.  Tattooed in bold black across his forearm is 'I am Death.'  

Everything happened faster than Jason could say "Fuck you!"

"Hey let him go!" I yell running up to them.  

The man watches me and pivots causing Jason to get lifted up by his neck.  He hold Jason up like a shield.  A shield that is choking.  I stop.

"Melo let him go!" screams the girl.

The man lets go of his wrist.  The triangle lock he created with his forearm and leverage opens up and Jason drops to the ground sputtering and wheezing.

"Those are the guys I was telling you about" says the girl.

"Oh" says the man looking at me, "Sorry about this.  Hi I'm Melo.  This is my girlfriend Dev."

^()^()^()^()^()^()^()^()^()

We go to Melo and Dev's tent over by the softball fields.  Jason eventually relaxes though he was surly for awhile.  We each buy a gram of tar.  We tribute them a little and watched Dev shoot up.  It is silent and the only movement is the moths fluttering around the lantern flame.  After all the crazy acid days with little sleep, Jason I both nodd out.  

I wake up once.  Jason and I are shoved together in a corner with a Hollie Hobbie quilt draped over us for warmth.  I can smell whiskey.  Dev is cradling Melo's head and whispering something to him.  Though his eyes are closed, I could see tears streaming down his face.  He reaches up to wipe his face and I see the other arm is also tattooed: I am the Darkness.  

I close my eyes.

Jason wakes me up.  Melo and Dev are holding each other across from us.  Melo snores loudly.  Dev opens her eye and winks at us while we climbed out of the tent.  

I knew she was gone before we went inside.  It was after 9 am and the city was already wide awake.  The workers were working, the joggers were showering and the airport was already flying sorority girls to London.  For some reason I didn't feel bad.  I didn't feel sad.  I felt nothing.  Like nothing just happened.  Mary made my futon before she left.  On my pillow was a note:   

You're an asshole.  I'll send you a postcard.

Sybil's Cave

"Should we call 911?"

My eyelid is peeled back.  Melo.  He is growing a beard.  This means it has been weeks since we hung out.

"Nah.  He's just nodded.  Look he's back.  Yo!  You ok man?"

"Yeah" I hear myself say.  

Daylight from the window shines upon my ending.  On my futon is a circle of blood-stained toilet paper.  Within the circle is a pot we once used to cook ramen and macaroni.  Now it is filled with ashes from all her burned letters and thoughtful cards, some broken needles and cigarette butts.  The flotsam and jetsam of a man trying to delete his world.  

"Let's take him to the clinic.  He's fucked up.  Can you walk?"

"Yes..?"

I stand up and fall.  Arms help me back up.  

"Maybe call an ambulance?  Shit!  There's no phone.  Someone ripped it out of the wall."

"No hospital!" I beg.  "I need a shot..."

"Dude I don't have anything."

Now I am alive.  In my anger I see Melo clearly.  Liar.  Demon.  Give me some fucking smack!

"Please...Melo?" I beg him.  

Dev steps over and caresses my face.  I jerk back.  Don't touch me.

"Jackie at the clinic can help" smiles Dev.  "You NEED help Vagabond!"

She tries to hug me but I push her away.  These fuckers holding out on me?!  They are trying to kill me.  I know.  Ok, I'll let them lead me for awhile and then run.  I think I have some books in my closet.  I'll sell them.  Should be enough for today.  The Mexicans by the soccer field in the park sell $15 bags.  That is two normal shots.  Or one fat shot.  But what if I can't make it back here?  What if they steal everything while I'm gone?

"Wait a second."  

I open the box.  The heroin is gone.  I swallow the leftover pills, gather the half burned cigarettes into my pocket with the lighter that still works.  Then I pick up the picture.  When Dev and Melo see who it is, they both look away.  I zip the photograph into the innermost pocket of my jacket where I usually hide my dope.  Where I store my treasure.

Melo leads me out of my room.  I walk through a stranger's house.  It reeks of piss and shit and death.  I recognize the couch but nothing else.  Piles of garbage, holes in the walls and spray paint.  The refrigerator hangs open like a yawning mouth, the light extinguished.  No food is needed in a place where people wait to die.  Dev tells me Melo will come back for my things but I don't care.  Everything is already lost.  This is the end.

They lead me out into the street and as the first waves of withdrawal stagger me.  I'll get more I promise myself.  It will be alright.  I just gotta slip these fools and I'll get more.  Enough for today...

~^~^~^~^~^~^~

This story began in a cave.  The Roman general that burned the Libri Sibyllini beneath the Temple of Jupiter 1,500 years ago was wrong.  There is more than one volume because these mad birds still sing.  Sibyls are everywhere.  Screaming from street corners, raving in bars, chained in hospitals and living in city parks.  

And there are many, many caves in the souls of the lost.    

Yes it is true chemicals ate into my brain.  Frenzied ants feasting upon sugar but I can still see it so clearly in my mind...Was my life nothing but a moth's dream?    

This was before they had to restrain me.  This was before the sun melted the wax from my false wings.  This was before I was re-trained by state issued medical professionals to be normal.  

But even handcuffed to the bed I fell so far.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~

My friends are gone.  Strangers camp here.  They used to give me money or drugs.  Mostly drugs.  Not sure who is in charge but I hear animals fighting.  Screams.  There is no more electricity or cable TV.  The blue, fairy glow of ice burning in crack pipes is the only light in the Darkness.  The last time I walked through my living room, no one looked at me.  Strangers.

A box that once contained high heels for a beautiful woman now holds my life.  Heroin.  Also some pills, scraps of LSD, a metal measuring spoon, lighters and a blood stained shoelace wrapped around two used needles.  I cook while I still have daylight.  Cooking shots is the only time my hands are steady.  

At the bottom of the box, beneath it all, is a photograph.  I leave her face down.  I don't need to look at her.  This picture is burned into my eyes.

And if I close them...

She reclines casually on a couch smoking a cigarette. It was taken during one of her blond phases.  She looks up at the camera likes she knows I will be staring at this picture for one thousand years.  Her eyes reach out and catch my soul.  The drowning blue stare.  

~^~^~^~^~^~^~

The mountain is cool in the summer.  The path leading up to the rock face is lush with ferns, vines and flowers.  The air here is floral scented and the breeze from the sea is fresh and clear.  A giant crack in the rock face rises up like a frozen scream.  The god's mouth.  

I enter the god.

Inside is starlight.  Phosphorus blues and interstellar greens softly illuminate the interior.  Stalactites drip continuously as I travel down a slick, muddy trail.  Down the path is a forgotten shrine carved into the wall of the cave.  Someone has lit the altar fire and it crackles hypnotically as I approach.  One of the columns has collapsed, knocking over a pair of statues that once embraced each other.  Their youthful bodies are eerily beautiful in the flickering firelight.  Her full breasts are exposed as her robes slips forward revealing rounded hips.  His torso is sculpted with taunt muscles stretched in motion and life as he reaches for her...but their heads are missing.  I step over the ruins to inspect the shrine.  Blood offerings have been placed in the votive flames for over 2,000 years.  The priests that tended this place are gone.  Their civilization has fallen.  

But many still worship this god.  

Behind the altar, carved into the wall is a message.  I trace my stained fingers across the words: 'Heaven is the embrace of the flower god.  But in his sweet mercy is death.'  

Once again, the god gifts me the soft peace.  Flowers blossom in the Darkness.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~

"Oh no...It doesn't even look like a vein anymore!  It looks like a long, dried up spaghetti worm.  Oh my poor sweet Vagabond.  Are you in there?  Melo help me get him up-"

"Hold on.  Those fucking tweakers are still out there- HEY!  GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!  THIS ISN'T A SQUAT!  GO!"

I can hear them.  Old friends.  The best friends.  Yelling into the mouth of the god.  Sounds from the real world dancing across the void.  

Someone still cares?  About me?  I vow to take more LSD so I can stay awake in their world.  Or is it my world?  I have forgotten...But I don't want them to come inside my cave.  No one should enter the god's scream.  

For in my cave there is only slavery, madness and death.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Fiber optic cables and copper wiring suspend the office chair from hundreds of feet.  But even in the lowest part of my cave there is a single ray of sunshine.  It stabs the Darkness and illuminates the chair and the Sibyl.  

"See the Light?  There is always Pandora's gift" sings the demented thing in the chair.  

A tiny doll woman dressed in a rotting, Nike tracksuit.  Bare feet with black, curled toenails.  

"Dev?"

"Nobody that loves you is down here" the Sibyl laughs. "Down here is just your broken hallway mirror. The dragon that eats itself!"

The chair moves in a circle above me, creaking.  And she sings.  A horrible noise.  Truth pours from her mouth and blood weeps from her eyes.  A fountain of insanity.  I see it all.  She tells me how it will end.  

A trail of broken smiles.  Women crying alone in the dark.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~

When the sun melts the wax, I plummet into her eyes.  The deep blue of her oceans.  The plunge was sudden but soothing.  I want to keep sinking into her Darkness...

~^~^~^~^~^~^~

"Wears off quickly now doesn't it?  Legs jolting in agony, thrashing in your bed...Snot streaming from your nose while you shit your fucking guts out screaming and INSANE!" screeches the thing in the office chair.

I cover my ears and pray for my god to soothe the madness.  But she is right.  My shot is already wearing off.

"You will fall back to your wretched life!  IF YOU'RE LUCKY."    

The Sibyl leers at me, her face blurring like a deck of shuffling cards.  Shuffling faces of women I know. The faces flip past but She keeps coming up. Her eyes...

"Succumb to Heaven!  Kiss me with blue lips!  Hold me with cold arms!  No longer cry about Earthly possessions or love.  Soon the moths will come and cover your eyes!  From sniffing to smoking.  From smoking to shooting.  What is left?  Oh you know what is left...One last high my love!"

My ears are covered but the Sibyl's cackling laughter echoes inside my skull.  There is a vacuum WHOOSH! and I fall.  The beam of sunlight vanishes.  The altar fires are cold.  The smothering blackness crushes me as I feel moths brushing against my face.  

"The skeleton in the corner cradles your clock babe" whispers Kym's voice from the Darkness.

I scream and scream and scream.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~

The god speaks.  "I can make it all go away.  Heaven.  You know the my price."  

And the love of a god is a powerful thing.  I writhe around in a sickly moist spot trying to find myself.  I think I pissed the futon.  Or maybe it's sweat.  The room is dark but I find the box, take the shoelace and tie off.  I slap my arm feverishly.  Rise goddamn you!  Show me the road to my heart.  Just one more time!  

~^~^~^~^~^~^~

"Mrs. Severson?  Hello, my name is Devika Liora!  I'm a friend of your son.  Hi.  Well you need to pick him up.  He's very ill" says Dev into the pay phone.  "What?  We tried to take him to the clinic but he refused.  He gave me this number."

When you wake up on the sidewalk, you know you fucked up.  You might not remember when or where...but you definitely fucked up.  My cheek presses against the concrete.  It's still warm from the morning sun.  I can smell piss and bleach here.  Garbage obscures my view but I hear people walking by.  I doubt they would spare me a look.  City people walk with purpose.  Eyes forward and never acknowledging the lost.

They just keep walking.

"We should call an ambulance" mutters Melo.

"No hospital!" I groan.  

I feel very strongly about this.  Once I go in...

"Ok.  We are at Valenc-" says Dev but she stops and throws her hands up in despair.  "She needs a pen!  Melo, give him some of that valium."

"Really?"

"Yes Mr. Melo!  With his habit he will be hurting so just-oops.  Wait a second" says Dev going back to the phone.  "Yes!  Hi!  Ok, do you have a pen ready?"

I try to get up. The effort makes my world smear and tumble.  I feel like I'm falling.  The dizziness of daylight tumbles down, crushing, squeezing...and I puke.

"Eww gross" squeaks Dev.  "What?  No Mrs. Severson.  He's fucked up, I mean excuse me, he's sick.  I don't know!  Drugs or something?  Can you get him please?  The 600 block of Valencia.  Near the used clothing place.  How long?  Ok.  We'll wait.  Please hurry.  Ok.  Goodbye."

"I'm sick" I announce uselessly.  

No one says anything.  I curl into a protective ball on the sidewalk.  Looking up, I can see a pink sign.

SAVE NOW!

"Yes please."

Darkness.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Dev fed me some valium and shared a cigarette with me while we waited.  Sharing a cigarette with her reminded me of Kym.  The three us always shared smokes.  She held my hand the whole time and promised me everything would be all right.  My mom pulled up.  Too weak to stand, Melo helped me into the car.  Bless Devika.  And though I never saw her again, it was not the last kindness she gifted me.  

Dreams are funny things.  

I'm 23,  lost the love of my life, flunked out of school, smell like piss and am nothing but a sick, demented junkie.  My mom is talking.  I blur in and out of reality and comprehend only fragments.

"...a junkie!...knew this would...like your father!  Great staff...hospital..."

"NO!" I yell.  "No hospital!"

"Honey!  You're so sick!  The doctors will make you..."

And I give up.  No more reasons to do anything but wait and see what happens next.  It can't be any worse.  Right?  I try and take out her picture but my hands are shaking too much to work zippers.  

I am dying.  Someone cries.  Me?  My mom?  Both?

Then it happens.  The mercy.  Maybe I ate LSD when I swallowed pills...Maybe the car stereo is on.  Maybe my brain stuck in the Maui loop.  

That song she used to listen to to get ready to go out...'Dreaming' by Blondie.  And I can see her dancing.  The song poured into her soul and radiated from her body like an exploding sun.   At a club, all dressed up and her rhythm is pure gravity.  A celestial body in motion creating the Universe.  Everyone watches her dance for she is beautiful, erotic and connects them to the energy that shapes the tide and moves the planet.  But I was luckier.  I not only saw but I also tasted.  I smelled the heat rise off of flesh as she danced only for me.  Dancing wild and free. Wearing only her Egyptian eyeliner highlighting that drowning blue stare...

My falling star.  My wish that slipped away.  Power, magic and unearthly beauty.  You bind me to reality for I remember you walking down the street.  Your hand in mine.  You are real.  Proof how lovely it is without the god.  

There is no god.

The Wrong Side of the Door

"KYM!  PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!"

The frustration of standing on the wrong side of a locked door is a familiar feeling these days.  The combination of Kym turning 21, Jason dealing coke and the madness of city life makes for some volatile fucking nights.  Plus I can't beat her in a foot race.  She ran track in high school so when she pulls a runner, those damn long legs of hers leave me gasping for air far off in the distance.  

"I FUCKING LOVE YOU!"  

It is a beautiful Sunday morning in the Mission District.  The city's stunning Victorian architecture frames the sky.  Cottony white clouds tumble through bright, blue spaces.  I look up at our house.  Sometime's she'll stand by the window and flip me off.  But today the curtains are closed.  Only the smiley face some fucker burned into the curtain stares back at me.      

"GODDAMNIT KYM OPEN THE DOOR!"

It poured last night while we fought.  Sheets of rain silhouetted her tall figure as she screamed loud enough for the bouncers and cops to get involved.  But now the air smells fresh and clean.  From the city buildings with their ancient Roman facades to the streets and sidewalks, everything shines in the glory of Sunday morning.  It is one of those rare, magical moments where the city is silent.  No sound of traffic horns or sirens echoing off buildings.  Only bird songs and the peal of far away church bells.  Most of my neighbors are in church, but a few wander by on errands.  No one is in a hurry.  Everything is in the right place.  

Everything but me.  I am definitely on the wrong side of the door.  

"I'M SORRY!  PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!"

I hate being this guy.  The fool standing outside yelling.  The spectacle people watch for a moment before they turn to their children and remind them how impolite it is to stare at idiots.  I'm wearing business man gray dress pants from Goodwill, no shirt and my crazy black hair looks like I received a heavy duty, electrical shock.  

I wave my leather jacket at the house and yell some more.

 "C'MON!  LET'S GO TO BED!  THIS IS CRAZY!"

A dull, thudding thump of bass music and the crunch of tires pulls up behind me.  A car.  I stop waving my jacket and turn around.  

Oh fuck.

"Are you wearing makeup?" asks Caesar.  His black eyes always seem malevolent and predatory.  Like searching for weakness to exploit.  

"No!" I say.  Then I think about it.  "Maybe?"

I start to walk off but have no where to go.  I don't have any money, my door is locked and the neighborhood psycho just pulled up.  I reach for a cigarette.  I don't even have those.

"You can't stand here yelling man.  These are good people.  They work hard all week.  They don't need to hear this shit.  Where's your shirt?"

"I don't know."

Caesar stares at me as if lost in thought.  Then he lights a joint and inhales.  The scent is pungent and aromatic.  Smoke curls from his nostrils.  "Get in."

I look at my door one last time.  No one sees.  No one cares.  I walk around the car and think of running.  Maybe I could make it to the corner and hide in The Lex Club.  But instinctively, I know this would do no good.  I climb in the car.  

"Here", he hands me the joint and slowly pulls out onto the street.

Caesar doesn't speak as he drives.  Zippered in my jacket is my hangover cure.  An oxy I stole from Kym.  Asking Caesar if I can rail it in his car does not seem like a good idea so I chew it while looking out the window.

I have no idea where we are going as he winds his way through the neighborhood.  Though I've been here for a couple years, there's a lot I haven't seen.  We pass the joint back and forth in silence.  No music.  No talking.  Just the sound of tires on asphalt as he winds through quiet streets and unfamiliar alleys.  The weed relaxes me just enough to feel intensely paranoid yet no longer afraid for my life.  

Caesar pulls into an alley and parks behind a dumpster.  There is a ton of gangland graffiti on these walls.  Mostly Norte XIV and some sort of roll call.  But nestled low amongst the territorial pissing of gangsters is a: DevL.  And I know whatever happens I will live.  I realize how superstitious Dev has made me and smile.  Fuck, these days I need all the help I can get.

"Come" orders Caesar walking through the alley between a Mexican laundromat and Korean pawn shop.  Then he looks at me and frowns,  "Put on your fucking jacket man."

By the laundromat is a tiny restaurant I would have never seen driving by.  There are two tables are on the sidewalk and a menu board.  Inside is a counter, a stove and a Mexican lady making tortillas. Caesar talks with her in Spanish.  She seems submissive and wary of him like a lot of people in the neighborhood.  We take a sidewalk table.  She brings us chips, three types of salsa and two Coronas.  Caesar lights another joint.  He doesn't offer it to me.

But as I sit in my chair, I feel as the oxy slithering across my bones.  It's enough to feel normal, but not nearly enough to feel good.  

"Do you have a smoke?" I ask.

"No.  I quit smoking in San Quentin" he says blowing weed in my face.  "You look like shit.  Queer, faggot shit."

"Thanks."

"No offense.  Your girl is hot but I guess that's what the freaky white girls like" he shrugs crushing lime into his beer.

I look at myself in the napkin holder.  My eyes are smeared with eyeliner.  I wipe my hand across my lips and see lipstick.  Was this from kissing Kym?  Or did she put lipstick on me?  I don't know.  The weed and oxycodone lightly bless me but my body is attuned to stronger substances these days.  Maybe beer will help.  I pick up the bottle and chug it down in three big swallows.  Caesar watches me.  His expression is one of mild disdain.  

I belch as a cloud slides by and sunshine pours down upon us.  I take Kym's sunglasses out of my jacket.  Oval shaped, white framed girlie sunglasses.  I put them on as the oxy assures me everything is gonna be alright.

"You don't give fuck do you?" says Caesar.

"About what?"

I am thankful for the sunglasses because he is watching me.  It makes me edgy.  Caesar takes a last hit from his joint and flicks the roach.  It flutters like a moth into the street and lays smoldering on the whims of the wind.

The lady puts another beer in front of me and I realize I'm starving.  When did I last eat?  Man, nothing like freshly fried tortilla chips and verde salsa.  I start shoveling food into my mouth.

"I saw you sleeping in your girl's car two nights ago.  Windows open.  You're lucky no one jacked you."

I have no idea what he is talking about.  But it does sound like something I would do.  

"That shit is gonna kill you" says Caesar as the lady comes back with bowls of soup, tortillas and a salad made of cilantro, lettuce, onions and limes.  

Now I know what he is talking about.  All my neighbors know our house is heroin house.  The noisy, junkie white kids.

"Everyone dies" I say sniffing the soup.  I regret the words the instant they leave my mouth.  

Caesar scoffs.  "Only a culo that has never fought for his life would say stupid shit like that."

I watch him dump his salad in his soup and eat it with tortillas.    

"What you doing these days?  Snorting or shooting?"

Instead of just opening my mouth I think about this.  Caesar sells heroin.  His people sell heroin.  All the tar in the city goes through these people.  You can't snort tar.  The club heroin we snort is not from Caesar.  

"Smoke it.  Foil."

"Yeah?" he growls.  I can tell he doesn't believe me.  "Good. Don't start shooting.  Seen too many people go lights fucking out on that road.  Like Lorenzo.  Remember?"

Fat dude with a lazy eye.  Slow talker and always sweet on Kym.  I nod.

"Good man.  Trustworthy.  That's huge.  But he got a habit.  Had to retire."

I put down my spoon.  

"Your homeboy.  The clubs and coke...that's a good thing.  Smart to stay out of heroin game.  People just drop out you know?"

I watch him as he wipes his face with a napkin.  It's one of those moments when I look at my life and shudder.  How dark everything has become.  How far away I have strayed from the person I used to think was me.  Sitting here with an ex-con sipping soup is a prime example how fucked life gets real fast.

The lady comes back and starts to put more chips on the table.  Caesar looks at her and YELLS.  The sudden noise shatters any semblance that this is a normal meal.  She quickly removes the chips and pushes herself into the farthest corner of the restaurant and wipes plates.  Like the lady, I look away from his terrible eyes.  Eyes that reflect only dark, primal violence.  No feelings inside.  Not human.

"Tell Jason it went up.  He'll know.  $300 a week.  He can keep going to La Llorna if he's too much of a pussy to pick up at my house."

I nod.  Hard to imagine Jason in Caesar's world.  Jason's so fucking goofy and nice.  When the new Zelda came out, he said he was on a quest and stayed home for a week eating mushrooms and playing Nintendo.  To think of him dropping off money at a Mexican bar is a dark thought indeed.

"Need something?" asks Caesar mildly.

My mind races.  More food, another beer?  What is he talking about?

"What?"

"What do you mean 'what'?  You fucking dumb?"

He reaches into his pants and my heart explodes.  Any trace of oxy calmness flees my body like it knows...but all Caesar does is pull out a tiny, rolled up yellow balloon.  He tosses it on the table.

"Take it.  You can owe me later.  Now go."

I get up, grab the balloon and leave.  I walk in a direction I think is my house.  My hearts races ahead of me like so many other times with Caesar.  But he is a like an animal.  If I run, he will chase me.  So I walk.

When I see the park I figure out where I am and head home.  I walk up the stairs and try the door.  It's open.  I walk down the hall and look in my room.  Kym lays on the futon with her arms around my pillow hugging it.  

"Babe I'm sick.  I can't find my oxy and Jason's gone.  I wanna feel better."

"I have some tar."

Kym animates instantly and flies down the hall for foil.  I follow her to the living room and toss her the balloon while I take off my jacket.

"Where did you go?" Kym asks as she frantically unravels the balloon.

"Nowhere" I say sitting next to her.  

I put my arm around her but she is rigid and all business.  She tears a piece free and puts it on foil.

"Do you know what happened to my shirt?" I ask.

"You gave it to me after I ripped my top."

"Oh?  How did you-"

"Fighting that bitch.  Babe we can't do so much coke ok?  We haven't slept for...what is today?"

"Sunday."

"Oh shit I missed work.  We haven't slept for three days."

"Why did you lock me out-" I start to ask.

"Wait-" she commands as she heats the foil.  

The hissing little dragon tumbles down the silvery slide.  She breathes the dragon's breath as his journey sizzles to an end.  Kym leans back and I watch her eyelids flutter.  As she exhales, barely any vinegar smoke leaves her.

"Fuck...it's good babe.  Have some.  Do it with me..."

And I do.  It hits so hard I don't realize Kym took the straw out of my hand until I open my eyes and see it between her lips.

She falls into my arms and all I know is love.  We sleep.  And we dream.  

Another day slips by unnoticed.