I got a few messages about that last story To Linger By A Door and just wanted to say that is merely some left over memories. I wrote in one sitting and it was easy to churn out- but hard to process. Like to go back to those moments is pretty intense at times. That Crowded House song reminds me of dark times though the song itself is lovely and positive in nature.
But I assure you all is well and Thanks for your kind words.
I was thinking about serotonin* because I am on a nasty taper. My body lacks this chemical and boy do I feel this. Without the artificial boost of PILLS my body goes into a spiraling withdrawal. I think in the near future I'll just have to cold turkey.
I brought that up serotonin* because a few days ago I was surfing. My strength is pitiful after surgery. Not in water shape at all. Total kook. But something happened that made me realize this is the Key back through the Door. Surfing. I got caught on the outside as big sets rolled in during a tide change. As stated, I am in terrible shape. The current and barn sized waves are treacherous. But I have been here before so I focused, lined myself up and paddled for a set wave because I was not sure I could make it back to shore without some help. My break is about 200 yards from the beach. I got lucky and got a sweet one. Carved across 150 yards or so of smooth, glassy waves. As I paddled in I relaxed. This relaxation was amazing because I had to calm down when I was trapped outside. Freaking out only wastes energy and you need that energy to stay alive on big days. Later, I met the family for food and ate and was happy. I was in the world. Then I remembered, I forgot my pills. My body had no idea which any addict will tell you is crazy.
I think the adrenaline rush I got from surfing the last wave boosted me naturally. Now I know I can't keep throwing myself into huge surf because it's stupid and I could die. But it does give me Hope. Surfing can take me to that same place as pills but with much better side effects.
*Serotonin is regarded by some researchers as a chemical that is responsible for maintaining mood balance, and that a deficit of serotonin leads to depression.